The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Happy Friday
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.