Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
ugh not again
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Finally
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?