Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You Might Also Like
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.