I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds