“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.