of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
You Might Also Like
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!