Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.