Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day