I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Mouse
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost