Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.