Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Spring of Deception
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.