“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
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[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder