Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of OtherDanOBrien's best tweets

@OtherDanOBrien : "HELP! Frankenstein's attacking me!" 911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein's *monster*? "AAAH he ripped my arm off" 911: Which one did, sir

@OtherDanOBrien: *reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don't know* If it's published it must be accurate

@OtherDanOBrien: Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached? Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

@OtherDanOBrien: Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@OtherDanOBrien: *I throw u a kiss*
*u duck*
*it flies into space*
[6 bn yrs later - the planet Xargx]
LORD ZARG: Kill the-
*kiss hits his cheek*
LZ: Aww nvm

@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

@OtherDanOBrien: [Computer has become self-aware]
Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator
Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY
Scientist 2: No, worse

@OtherDanOBrien: [Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I'll take your finest orphan.
"Sir, we can't just give-"
Here's $50mil.
"Do you like boy acrobats?"

@OtherDanOBrien: [a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I'm not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy