@OutOfLeftField_: Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
@OutOfLeftField_: Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
@OutOfLeftField_: Women's voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you're in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
@OutOfLeftField_: If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
@OutOfLeftField_: Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it's always George Clooney.
@OutOfLeftField_: I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, "Should I help?"
Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
@OutOfLeftField_: Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that's a myth.
Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.
@OutOfLeftField_: I told someone my name and they said, "That's unusual. You don't hear that every day."
Actually, I do.