Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Pandas 🐼🖤
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”