My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.