Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of P1ssed_K1d's best tweets

@P1ssed_K1d : What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

@P1ssed_K1d: My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don't know how much she charges him though

@P1ssed_K1d: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

@P1ssed_K1d: You know what a cubicle basically says? It says 'We don't think you're smart enough for an office,but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

@P1ssed_K1d: Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets

@P1ssed_K1d: AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

@P1ssed_K1d: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"

@P1ssed_K1d: My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing.

@P1ssed_K1d: I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

@P1ssed_K1d: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.