Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”