Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.