@PJTLynch: I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of "Baby It's Cold Outside"
@PJTLynch: “Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
@PJTLynch: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
"Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?"
Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
@PJTLynch: Announcer: "Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!"
[crowd goes nuts]
A: "Well too bad, here's Coldplay"
@PJTLynch: Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
@PJTLynch: That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it's probably all infested now with girls
@PJTLynch: Nothing's more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
@PJTLynch: [At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right...sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants