Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
181.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.