@POTerritory: Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
@POTerritory: Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It's...
Him: Please don't.
Me: ...single molt
@POTerritory: I'm Phoenician, as in, "Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts."
@POTerritory: Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it's a period piece.
@POTerritory: Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
@POTerritory: What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
@POTerritory: Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.
@POTerritory: General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.