Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of POTerritory's best tweets

@POTerritory : Told my wife I'd marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

@POTerritory: [Driving home from restaurant]

ME: What?
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff "de-floured"

@POTerritory: Buzzfeed be like, "Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we'll tell you what you had for breakfast."

@POTerritory: OK so apparently "psychosis" is one word, and doesn't specifically refer to my female sibling.

@POTerritory: "Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization." - ancient Chinese proverb

@POTerritory: Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

@POTerritory: Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It's...
Him: Please don't.
Me: ...single molt

@POTerritory: I'm Phoenician, as in, "Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts."

@POTerritory: Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it's a period piece.

@POTerritory: Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.