Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Every BBC series about the universe.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
what are they serving at kfc then???
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.