Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context