Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
War & Peace
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you