Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Woke up against my better judgment again
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Flowers bee like
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs