It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Möther may I have a snäck
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?