Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
RT if you could go either way.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season