@PaperWash: "Susan cancel my 2 o'clock"
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
"no no no I need to learn to do this on my own"
@PaperWash: "No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels"
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
"do what I say or he's not coming"
@PaperWash: what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
@PaperWash: me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
@PaperWash: My nephew is having a birthday party
"should I bring weed or will one of his friends have some?"
"so bring my own?"
@PaperWash: [on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
@PaperWash: God: kill your son
God: holy shit I'm jk
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
@PaperWash: me: you wanna hot line bling?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
@PaperWash: me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana