Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PaperWash's best tweets

@PaperWash : Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me? Me: is that on Netflix?

@PaperWash: [father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how'd you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I've had a lot of DUIs

@PaperWash: "can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits"

That'll be $2.60

"with egg"

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

"What?"

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she's racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

@PaperWash: teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

@PaperWash: Mother's Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

@PaperWash: [1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

@PaperWash: Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

@PaperWash: me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

@PaperWash: vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I'll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what...wuddya need a stake for?