@PaperWash: [father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how'd you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I've had a lot of DUIs
@PaperWash: "can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits"
That'll be $2.60
NVM no egg
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
Facebook: she's racist now
Facebook: everyone on here is
@PaperWash: teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
me: hey what the f-
@PaperWash: Mother's Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
@PaperWash: [1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
@PaperWash: Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
@PaperWash: me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
@PaperWash: vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I'll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what...wuddya need a stake for?