@PaperWash: [on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
@PaperWash: God: kill your son
God: holy shit I'm jk
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
@PaperWash: me: you wanna hot line bling?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
@PaperWash: me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
@PaperWash: [god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
@PaperWash: Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o's
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it's gunna be hilarious
@PaperWash: [4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
4 y/o: ...
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
@PaperWash: all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he's an idiot