Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PaperWash's best tweets

@PaperWash : My nephew is having a birthday party "should I bring weed or will one of his friends have some?" HE'S 9! [long pause] "so bring my own?"

@PaperWash: [on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

@PaperWash: God: kill your son
Abraham: uh...ok
God: holy shit I'm jk
Abraham: umm...
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@PaperWash: me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

@PaperWash: me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

@PaperWash: [god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

@PaperWash: Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o's
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it's gunna be hilarious

@PaperWash: [4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: ...

4 y/o: ...

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

@PaperWash: all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he's an idiot

@PaperWash: Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?