Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PaperWash's best tweets

@PaperWash : *Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

@PaperWash: "Susan cancel my 2 o'clock"

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

"no no no I need to learn to do this on my own"

@PaperWash: "No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels"

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

"do what I say or he's not coming"

@PaperWash: what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

@PaperWash: me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

@PaperWash: My nephew is having a birthday party

"should I bring weed or will one of his friends have some?"

HE'S 9!

[long pause]

"so bring my own?"

@PaperWash: [on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

@PaperWash: God: kill your son
Abraham: uh...ok
God: holy shit I'm jk
Abraham: umm...
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@PaperWash: me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

@PaperWash: me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana