The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous