Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@Parentpains : "I don't understand the value in seeing a therapist."
- People who haven't spent time with me yet.
@Parentpains: Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.
@Parentpains: Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
@Parentpains: Never under estimate the value of stretching...the truth.
@Parentpains: Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?
*Leaps into garbage compactor*
@Parentpains: Date: "I don't like Taco Bell."
*Pushes her in front of a bus.*
@Parentpains: According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
@Parentpains: She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her.
Dating is bullshit.
@Parentpains: Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.
@Parentpains: If the liquor store didn't want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.