It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.