If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
This was a bad idea all around
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
The answer is funnier than the question
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*