Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

@Parkerlawyer: Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

@Parkerlawyer: My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

@Parkerlawyer: I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Ye

@Parkerlawyer: I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@Parkerlawyer: My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

@Parkerlawyer: You haven't truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you've visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

@Parkerlawyer: I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

@Parkerlawyer: My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

@Parkerlawyer: My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.