Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it. Anyone want to trade jobs?

@Parkerlawyer: I've seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

@Parkerlawyer: Hubs sent me this text:
There's no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they're.

@Parkerlawyer: Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I'm getting a lawnmower for Mother's Day there will be bloodshed.

@Parkerlawyer: "I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside."

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

@Parkerlawyer: Me, "I need to get in shape."
Hubs, "What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?"
Me, "Shape, not Shake."
Hubs, "So...."
Me, "Chocolate."

@Parkerlawyer: My husband calls me Sugar and my dog's name is Sugar so when he says, "C'mere Sugar" there's an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@Parkerlawyer: I got a message on Facebook that said, "Your a lawyer, right?"

Me, "*You're."

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

@Parkerlawyer: It's 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what's for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."