Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

@Parkerlawyer: I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

@Parkerlawyer: My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

@Parkerlawyer: My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

@Parkerlawyer: I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

@Parkerlawyer: A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

@Parkerlawyer: My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

@Parkerlawyer: Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I'm looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

@Parkerlawyer: I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

@Parkerlawyer: My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.