Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?” Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?” Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

@Parkerlawyer: Text to Hubs:
If it's not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You're literally sitting next to me.

@Parkerlawyer: Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, "Don't."

Me, "I rest my case."

@Parkerlawyer: Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

@Parkerlawyer: Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@Parkerlawyer: I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

@Parkerlawyer: My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

@Parkerlawyer: My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I've had a six pack of red wine.

@Parkerlawyer: 7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

@Parkerlawyer: I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can't get my kids to clean their damn rooms.