Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

@Parkerlawyer: My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

@Parkerlawyer: Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

@Parkerlawyer: My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

@Parkerlawyer: Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

@Parkerlawyer: *at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

@Parkerlawyer: A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

@Parkerlawyer: My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

@Parkerlawyer: My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@Parkerlawyer: Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.