Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free. Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

@Parkerlawyer: I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

@Parkerlawyer: I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

@Parkerlawyer: I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

@Parkerlawyer: What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

@Parkerlawyer: Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

@Parkerlawyer: Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

@Parkerlawyer: Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

@Parkerlawyer: The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

@Parkerlawyer: Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS