Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : Me, "I need to get in shape." Hubs, "What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?" Me, "Shape, not Shake." Hubs, "So...." Me, "Chocolate."

@Parkerlawyer: My husband calls me Sugar and my dog's name is Sugar so when he says, "C'mere Sugar" there's an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@Parkerlawyer: I got a message on Facebook that said, "Your a lawyer, right?"

Me, "*You're."

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

@Parkerlawyer: It's 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what's for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."

@Parkerlawyer: My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

@Parkerlawyer: Uber driver, "You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn't have all these DUIs."

Me, {opens door} "I'll just get out right here."

@Parkerlawyer: I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@Parkerlawyer: *buys almond milk*

"I'm gonna get healthy!"

*drinks almond milk*

"This is gross."

*pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk*

"Perfect."

@Parkerlawyer: I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.