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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*