“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
You Might Also Like
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”