My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no