The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Yes my dude
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh