“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
You Might Also Like
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m giving up for Lent.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.