Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
😎 🍻
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”