Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Tony Hawk, age 6
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate