i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”