Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: