“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.