My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Siri, fight Alexa.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
According to math, I’m broke
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
we all know this pain all too well
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light