A ghost story
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Employees must applaud the planets.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
what could possibly go wrong?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings