WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
This can never not be funny 😭😭
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.