My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*