Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
You Might Also Like
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
SF is the wild wild west man
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!