no one ever comes back
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wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Europe. Made in Germany.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.